


children without mothers (carry broken hearts)

by caughtinkhanded



Series: you can learn a lot about a woman by getting smashed with her [3]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Skywalker Family Feels, more drinking, they may be becoming alcoholics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 00:48:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13260105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caughtinkhanded/pseuds/caughtinkhanded
Summary: “Why is whenever I drink with you, Princess, I end up talking about my feelings?”Leia squeezed Jyn’s hand and smiled at her. “My theory is you’re emotionally stunted.”“I prefer to think of it as electing not to deal with my feelings. It’s gotten me this far.”“That’s not exactly healthy is it?” Luke commented as he sipped at the bottle.“Oh yes, please share your wisdom with me, oh wise Jedi master.”-or-Jyn has a proposition. Leia has a husband. Luke has a bottle.





	children without mothers (carry broken hearts)

Jyn tucked herself against Cassian’s side as they entered the hall. She was never one to shy away, but there were sometimes where she didn’t fancy the whole of the Rebel Alliance congratulating her on her nerve and daring.

 

Not that Cassian liked it either, but he had signed up for this shit, so he could deal with it. Jyn fought back a scowl, schooling her features into something neutral.

 

Cassian cast a worried glance her way, but wisely said nothing.

 

“I hate this.”

 

“I know.”

 

Jyn sighed heavily.

 

“Jyn.”

 

“Cassian.”

 

“We don’t have to do this.”

 

“It’s fine.”

 

Cassian’s mouth twisted into a frown. “No, you’re not fine. We’re not fine. We’ve never been fine.”

 

“As much as I love your extensional crises, can we not do this right now? I just want a drink.” Jyn twisted to face Cassian, who’s face now seemed set in a scowl. “Cass, really, it’ll be fine. We’ll just talk to a couple people. We’ll have a few, or a lot of drinks. We can fake it. And then we can talk about your extensional crisis.”

 

Cassian gripped her hand tightly in his, his gaze fixed on their intertwined fingers. He squeezed her hand for a moment before saying, “Okay. You’re right.”

 

“Kriff, I should’ve been recording that. Truly one of the greatest moments of my life!” Jyn flashed a brittle smile. “Cassian Andor admitting I’m right. My night, no, my week, no, my year has been made.”

 

“Hey, Jyn?”

 

“Yes, my love?” She teased, relishing in the flush that burned her partner’s cheeks.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“You’re an ass, Cassian Andor.” Cassian pressed a kiss to her cheek as they approached the bar. “You’re buying.”

 

“We share an account.”

 

“I don’t care. You’re buying.” Jyn leaned against the bar, waving towards the woman behind the bar. As Cassian ordered, she turned her attention to the group in front of them.

 

It was an odd mix of people who had actually fought with the Rebellion and those who had profited. The Rebels stood out with their diversity and haunted eyes. The others looked the part, but lacked the nature of those who had actually fought in the war.

 

Jyn could pick them out without really even trying. She knew the look, the look of a survivor. She saw it every time she looked in a mirror. Every time she looked in Cassian’s eyes. It was all too familiar. It was a look of guilt and remorse and hatred. Nothing seemed to make it go away completely.

 

Nothing ever would, she was sure of it.

 

Because every time she closed her eyes she saw Bodhi’s nervous smile. Or Chirrut’s knowing gaze. Or her mother’s last stand. Or her father’s dying breath. They were always with her.

 

No celebration of victory could resolve her of her guilt.

 

“Jyn.” Cassian’s voice cut through her thoughts. He nudged a cold glass against her hand. “Your drink.”

 

“Oh, thanks.” Jyn tore her eyes away from the other guests, moving her gaze to Cassian, who was looking more concerned by the minute. “I’m fine, Cass. Stop worrying.”

 

“I always worry about you. You have this concerning habit of always getting into trouble.”

 

“And you have this concerning habit of always getting me out of trouble.” Jyn managed a soft smile, which seemed to only partially pacify Cassian.

 

“Oi, Erso!” A loud voice barked from across the room followed up by a loud Wookiee call. A grinning Han Solo cut across the room, his co-pilot at his side. “You owe me a couple hundred credits.” He said in lieu of greeting.

 

“That’s absolute Bantha shit, Solo. You know as well as I do that you wouldn’t have gotten that cargo if it weren’t for me. I’m not paying you for anything.”

 

Han let out a loud laugh that had a few of the more respectable patrons glancing his way. “You’re so full of shit, Erso.” With his half grin firmly in place, he turned to Cassian. “Andor.”

 

“Solo.”

 

“Wasn’t expecting to see you two here. Doesn’t seem like your scene.” Han commented as he leaned over the bar.

 

Jyn rolled her eyes. “Yeah, this does seem a bit beyond you and me, Han.”

 

“Nah, we have fun, don’t we, Erso?”

 

“We all know the sort of fun you have, Han.” Leia’s voice cut through the din over Han’s shoulder. “I would appreciate it if you two could refrain from a repeat of your behavior. It reflects poorly.”

 

“You’re the one who married me.” Han said with a shrug, looping an arm over Leia’s shoulders.

 

“I still think you got her drugged or something.” Jyn added, sipping at her drink.

 

“Senator.” Cassian greeted politely, slipping easily into a professional mask. “It’s good to see you.”

 

“How have you been, Captain? I hear you two have gotten an office space sorted out for your security firm. Have you decided on a name yet?”

 

“No, we’re still deciding.”

 

“I’m excellent at naming things,” interjected Han with a waggle of his eyebrows.

 

“You’ve got the worst covers I’ve ever seen. How have you not been arrested?” Jyn asked.

 

“’Cause I was smart and shacked up with a senat- ow!” Han yelped as Leia pinched his side. “Frag, Leia, that hurts.”

 

She pinned him with a glare before spinning out of his arms and disappearing in to the crowd.

 

Han looked to Cassian and Jyn for support. The other two just gave him blank stares. Han huffed in irritation and followed after his wife.

 

“It’s amazing those two can stand to be in the same room, let alone live together.” Cassian said, shifting closer to Jyn.

 

“Some might say the same about us.” Jyn finished her drink and dropped it on the bar deftly. “Han might have a point, though. This really isn’t our scene. And I hate this dress. You know how I feel about dresses.” Jyn looped an arm around Cassian’s neck, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to Cassian’s collarbone. “I can’t wait to take this off.”

 

“Mhm, I’d be more than happy to assist.” Cassian’s hands rested at her hips, thumbs stroking gentle circles.

 

“Captain Andor.” Two former Intelligence officers were waving at him on the other side of the bar.

 

Cassian let out a low groan. Jyn glanced over her shoulder and groaned as well. At best, she tolerated Cassian’s Intelligence officers. At worst, she found them insufferable and suspicious.

 

She dropped away from Cassian and muttered. “You go. I’ll go find Leia.”

 

Cassian opened his mouth but Jyn had already moved away.

 

As she moved through the crowd, Jyn felt distinctly aware of how out of place she was. She could blend in most places. She had worked her fair share of parties, but this wasn’t a job. This wasn’t Liana or Tanith. She was just Jyn here and it felt exposed.

 

The crystal around her neck burned against her skin.

 

As she passed a group, there was a flash of recognition in a few and one moved forward, presumably to meet Rebellion Hero Jyn Erso.

 

Jyn quickly ducked away before anybody could come and praise her heroics or whatever other crap they liked to call it.

 

She found herself standing in a doorway to a small patio. She spared another look into the room and then moved outside.

 

Once outside, Jyn felt a great relief. The fresh air helped balance her, pushing away the never-ending tide of guilt for the moment.

 

She let out a long sigh, her fingers seeking out her mother’s crystal.

 

“Is that a Kyber crystal?” Jyn practically jumped out of her skin at the sound of the voice, but quickly regained her composure. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

 

She spun around to find a sandy haired man sitting on the ground.

 

“You’re Luke Skywalker.”

 

“And you’re Jyn Erso, right?”

“Yeah, what’re you doing out here? Shouldn’t you be in there? Hero of the Rebellion? Jedi? All that?”

 

“Could say the same to you.” Luke flashed a wry grin her way and Jyn was suddenly struck by how much he and Leia were alike.

 

“I’m not much for these fancy celebrations.”

 

“I’m just a farm kid. This is so much more than I ever expected.” Luke let out a dark chuckle. “This is all so fancy. Leia’s perfectly at home here. Even Han can manage. But I, you know, it’s just a lot. Every body wants to talk to me. Wants to hear about the Jedi hero. Still doesn’t feel real.”

 

Jyn sank to the ground next to him. She seemed to have missed the part where she became these two’s sounding board.

 

“At least you’re a hero.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean? You’re half the reason I’m one. Without you, there is no ‘Luke Skywalker, Death Star Destroyer’.”

 

“Hm, yeah,” Jyn hummed, “but I’m not some fresh faced farm kid. I’ve got Imperial in me and grew up with the Partisans. Not exactly hero pedigree.”

 

“Has anybody ever told you you’re completely insufferable, Erso?”

 

Jyn lolled her head back to smirk at the princess. “Only every time I see you, Princess.”

 

Leia pinned Jyn with a rather hostile look. “Next time I hear you talking about how you’re not a hero, I swear I’ll shoot you myself.”

 

“Seems rather unbecoming of a senator.”

 

Leia scowled as she joined Jyn and Luke on the ground. “This is why I have to drink when I see you.”

 

“Shouldn’t you be in there?” Jyn shot back, running a hand through her hair.

 

“She doesn’t like getting called a hero any more than we do,” supplied Luke. “Could I interest you ladies in a drink?” Luke produced a bottle from his jacket with a cheeky smile. “Curtesy of your husband.” 

 

“Ah,” Leia chuckled, “I knew I kept him around for a reason.”

 

“Now you’re a hero,” Jyn eagerly opened the bottle. “Solo’s got good taste.”

 

“Of course he does.” Leia said with a faux haughty tone, her chin tipped up imperiously. “Now hand it over, Erso.”

 

Jyn handed her the bottle. “To terrible fathers.” She echoed their now customary toast.

 

“To terrible fathers. And their daughters.” Leia took her shot with grace. She then added, “And sons.”

 

Luke startled for a moment, eyes flashing between his sister and Jyn. “You told her?”

 

“There may have been alcohol involved,” Jyn supplied helpfully, stealing the bottle back for her shot. “I’m more than understanding about terrible fathers.” She shoved the bottle at Luke, who accepted it with a sheepish smile. Jyn’s hand rested against the crystal again. It felt warm under her touch.

 

“To terrible fathers.” Luke echoed before taking a short shot. He coughed afterward, setting the bottle down.

 

“Are you and Cassian going to get married?” Leia asked abruptly.

 

Jyn scooped up the bottle and took a shot before answering, “Me and Cassian… we have…”

 

“An arrangement, I know, you’ve said.”

 

“We’re not getting married.”

 

Leia pulled the bottle away from Jyn. “You two are exhausting.”

 

“Well, not every one can be the picture of harmony that you and Han are.”

 

“I like you, Skywalker.”

 

Leia sighed dramatically on Jyn’s other side. “I don’t think I want you two to get along.”

 

“I actually do have a question for you two.” Leia motioned for her to continue. “Leia, remember I mentioned that I worked a job a while back on Naboo? If you two want, since Cass and I are getting all set, I could see if I could find her. She was upper class and you said your mother was royalty. I could see if I could find anything out about your mother. I know that this is all secret, but this could all be done subtly.” Jyn finished, unsure what else to say. She stared at her hands.

 

Nobody spoke for a long moment. Leia finally began, “I think…I want to know more about her. I know I have some, I’m not sure if they’re truly memories, but memories of our mother and I want to know more. I’ve gotten what I can from the Senatorial Archives. If you’re willing to go to Naboo and do this for us, I would be incredibly grateful.”

 

“As would I.” Luke chimed in softly, his eyes focused on his sister.

 

Jyn flashed a half smile towards them as she took the bottle back from Luke. “I’d like to propose a toast then. To mothers, the true heroes.”

 

The twins echoed her softly.

 

Jyn almost wanted to laugh at the sight of the three of them. Three orphaned, grudging war heroes. The children of fathers who had done terrible things and of mothers who had sacrificed themselves. Each one carried the burden of their parenthood in silence. It was like something out of one of the fictions Bodhi loved, the ones with the tragic love stories and hopeful endings.

 

Jyn’s heart ached at the thought of Bodhi. He had always been hopeful in his own way. He always believed in the cause and in the good in people. He had believed in her and Cassian and that had gotten him killed.

 

She sometimes wondered when the weight of it all would crush her. It was never ending it seemed. Too much blood was on her hands.

 

Jyn broke out of her reverie as somebody shook her shoulder. She started violently, almost knocking the bottle from Leia’s hands.

 

“You were in a dark place.” Luke said.

 

“I told you to stop doing that,” Leia scolded, but there was no real threat behind it, rather genuine concern. “Where did you go?”

 

“Bodhi.”

 

“The pilot?”

 

Jyn scrubbed a hand over her face. “Yeah, he was the pilot. He was my pilot. And I let him die.” She let out a low chuckle. “Why is whenever I drink with you, Princess, I end up talking about my feelings?”

 

Leia squeezed Jyn’s hand and smiled at her. “My theory is you’re emotionally stunted.”

 

“I prefer to think of it as electing not to deal with my feelings. It’s gotten me this far.”

 

“That’s not exactly healthy is it?” Luke commented as he sipped at the bottle.

 

“Oh yes, please share your wisdom with me, oh wise Jedi master.” Leia stifled a giggle as Jyn bowed towards Luke, who scowled. “I got enough of that crap from others.”

 

“You knew the Guardians, didn’t you?” Luke asked with interest, his eyes momentarily darting down to the weathered necklace around Jyn’s neck. “Is that where you got the crystal from?”

 

Jyn’s hand flew to her necklace protectively. “It was my mother’s. My father worked with Kyber, um, he did research. I never really understood it. Bodhi tried, he tried to explain it once, but I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to know how it could be a weapon.” There was a long pause. “I suppose you know all about that, Luke.” He nodded silently. “Chirrut talked about you.”

 

“I spoke with him a few times. He reminded me of Yoda.”

 

“Chirrut would have loved that description. Baze always accused Chirrut of playing at being a Jedi. Chirrut said it was not a game, but if it were, he would have won.” Jyn swiped at her cheek, intercepting a tear she hadn’t expected.

 

“He was a good man. And a good teacher. He was able to help me in the beginning. When Ben had died and I was lost, Chirrut spoke to me, not long after the Death Star mission. He helped me center myself. I was sad to hear of his death.”

 

Jyn’s heart clenched painfully. She hadn’t been there to help Chirrut. She, Cassian and Bodhi had been off on a scouting mission when Hoth was attacked. Baze had found her, his face set in a permanent scowl and every fiber of his being vibrating with anger. He had not waited for the other two to return. He had informed her of Chirrut’s death, of how he couldn’t let the young rebels miss their window for escape, of how Chirrut had forced Baze onto a transport, locking him there. Baze spoke of how Chirrut had faced down the Imperials with his bowstaff, allowing the transport to take off.

 

Jyn would never forget the look in Baze’s eyes. They burned with rage, but underneath it all was a pain that frightened Jyn.

 

“He was a hero.” Jyn said, her voice thick. “He would be glad to see that the Jedi have returned.”

 

A smile lit up Luke’s face. “And soon, the Jedi will be reborn. I’m going to build a new temple and begin seeking out students. I’m going to remake the Jedi Order and peace will spread across the galaxy.” Jyn couldn’t help but feel the excitement rolling off the younger man.

 

Leia grinned at her brother’s tangible excitement. “You’ll need to find some force sensitive students before you can rebuild your order.”

 

“Maybe you and Han can help with that.”

 

Jyn let out a loud laugh at the blush that instantly spread across Leia’s cheeks. “I wouldn’t worry about that. I’m sure they’re already on top of it.”

 

Luke’s face suddenly turned red too. “Oh kriff, no, no, I just meant they could, oh Force.” Jyn continued to laugh, clutching at her side “They could help me, Leia, I swear that’s not what I meant. I just meant, with finding students.” Luke finished lamely, running a hand through his hair.

 

Jyn nudged Leia with her elbow. “How is helping Luke out going for the two of you? Make any babies?” Leia pinned Jyn with a hostile glare and took a shot from the bottle.

 

“Would I be drinking if we had?”

 

Jyn held her hands up. “I wouldn’t judge.”

 

“I hate you both, just so you know.” Leia declared.

 

“Naturally.” Jyn bowed her head towards Leia. “It is truly an honor to be hated by the mighty Senator Leia Organa, Princess of Alderaan, Leader of the Rebellion, hero of the Battle of Endor, Destroyer of the Death Star, or wait, is that you, Skywalker?”

 

Leia let out a low groan, “I never should’ve let you and Han meet.”

 

“Oh, Princess, I’ve known Solo for ages. I can’t seem to get rid of him. He just keeps showing up, like a bad penny.”

 

“That might be the best description I’ve ever heard for Han,” Luke said through his laughter.

 

“Are you guys talkin’ about me?” Han asked, appearing in the doorway. “Luke.” He nodded in greeting to the other man. “Your husband’s looking for you, Erso.”

 

“Not my husband,” Jyn hissed as she stood to her feet.

 

“Hm, okay, if you say so.” Han shrugged a shoulder, offering one hand to his wife. “Force, how much did you guys drink?” Leia stumbled slightly as she stood, holding tightly to Han for support.

 

“Not too much.” Leia said, looping an arm around Han’s waist. “Not as much as that one time.”

 

“That was not our finest hour.” Jyn grimaced as her head seemed to pound with a phantom hangover.

 

“Yeah, yeah, you’re a bad influence, Erso.”

 

“He’s the one who had the bottle.” Jyn pointed a finger accusatorially at Luke. “Master Jedi over there is the bad influence.”

 

“I think I hear somebody calling my name.” Luke turned towards the hall. “It was nice meeting you, Jyn.” He smiled broadly before darting into the room.

 

“Andor’s looking for you. He seems to think you’re up to something.” Han smirked, “I figured you were.”

 

“You’re a jackass, Solo, have I ever told you that?”

 

“Nah, don’t think so. Wanna go dance, Princess?” He smiled dazzlingly down at his wife, who returned the smile.

 

“Lead the way, nerfherder.” Leia glanced towards Jyn. “We’ll talk later this week? Properly.”

 

“’Course, Leia. I better go find Cass.” The trio entered the room and instantly Leia and Han were set upon by overeager guests.

 

Jyn scanned the room, searching for her partner. She nearly jumped out of her skin when a pair of hands landed on her waist.

 

“I’ve been looking for you.”

 

“I almost shot you.”

 

“You have a blaster?” Cassian turned her to face him. “Where?” His thumbs began stroking her hipbones in slow circles. “There’s no way you have a blaster in that dress.”

 

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Captain?”

 

“Hm, I can think of one way I can find out.”

 

“You seem awfully confident about that.” Jyn wound her arms around Cassian’s neck, bringing their bodies even closer.

 

“Maybe I’m a gambling man.”

 

“Or you know that the odds are in your favor.”

 

“Are they?”

 

“You’re an idiot, Cassian.”

 

“I’m your idiot.” Cassian correctly, pressing his forehead against Jyn’s.

 

“How about we go home and you can prove that you’re mine?”

 

“Might be your best plan yet.” 

 

**Author's Note:**

> come say hey at @ frozenarya 
> 
> -ebh


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